and you said cock pushups were impossible
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
