She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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