just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
