Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
