I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
