I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm really busy with my period
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize