I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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