I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
