we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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