I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
