Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
