my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
