i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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