As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
