Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
