I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
