It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
