I'm so fucking centered right now
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
