My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
