I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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