when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
