He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
