my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
