i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
