I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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