I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize