Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
