i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize