still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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