All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
