Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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