Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize