There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
