I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
