Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
