i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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