Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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