Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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