He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
