Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
