Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
