fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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