What did we do last night that was yellow?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
