turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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