I think im going to throw up on grandma
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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