my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
