I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize