We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
