I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize