Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
