I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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