She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
