so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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