dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
