Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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