Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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