Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
